I'm not sure why I'm posting. I should be grabbing at the pieces of sleep that I so desperately long for. I've been busy and stressed and I've handled it so damn well.
I'm participating in a pageant within my local community. At first, it was a hairbrained idea that I pursued to "prove a point", that someone like me with tangled hair and chubby cheeks and bad language could excel in an area I knew nothing about. It was so selfish of a reason, but I'm glad I convinced myself that it was a good enough one. I've been stretched far and for once I've gathered an insight into what it's like to be a beautiful girl in high heels and lip gloss. I've learned to talk the talk and walk the walk, so to speak; learning dances and walking with poise. I've learned how to curl my hair and smile. I've learned, I've learned, I've learned.... and isn't this what it's all about? To learn? It's been a grand experiment thus far and I'm almost to the point where I think.... I might win?
Now, granted, it was never about winning. It's never about winning for me. I'm not very competitive by nature and I prefer to play the role of spectator in all of life's grand schemes and plots. But this time it's different! I want to speak the way they want me to and walk the way that they assume to be correct. I've learned to compromise myself: to slot myself into sections of pure individuality and sections of mainstream acceptance. It also taught me a very important fact that I failed to realize until very recently.... It taught me that my individuality does not come with what I wear or how I act. Individuality is embedded much deeper into the very roots and structure of my being. I will perennially be only me. There is not another Esther in this world who is ME, so my shaking fear of "losing myself" by compromising to society's means could never actually happen.
I'll always want to present myself as how I see my mind, a mixture of colors and patterns, but those are not vital to present me. There have been days where I presented myself completely normal, but there has still remained that glint in my eye and that twist of my hips and that way I catch a piece of humor at the ends of my sentences that proclaims to the world in flashing lights and neon letters, "I AM ME. I AM THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD AND THE HISTORY OF TIME THAT IS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ME."
And isn't that just a wonderful feeling?
I feel like I've hit the jackpot on this train ride of self-realization.
So yes, I may be in designer shoes and curled hair and I may be dancing the same steps as the several other clones lined up next to me, but every single one of us is our own person and behind that fortress of flocked birds in monochrome we are each individually so beautifully technicolor. A pile of snow may look like a thick, white wall, but if you break it down, we are indeed all "special snowflakes".....
So yes! This pageant has been a dream and a nightmare. I've struggled with sobbing at practice when all of the girls with their candlestick legs and perfect posture nailed each move perfectly. I've struggled with self-doubt, thinking, "Have I set myself up for failure?". I've struggled with anger and stress and I've struggled with envy. I've struggled and I've overcame and I may not get every step right on cue and I may not be standing where I'm supposed to be, but damn all if I'm not trying my hardest! It doesn't truly matter if I come out of this without a single medal around my neck. It doesn't matter because the biggest prize of all is that I trusted myself enough to believe that I could do this. I've made friends and I've gained experience in so many areas.
And yes, I might not be the prettiest flower in the bunch, but I'm learning to be beautiful. I'm learning how to FEEL beautiful. I am beautiful!
I AM I AM I AM
I've never said that before.
And it feels wonderful to have finally said it.....
A wonderful tune from one of my favorite movies to end the day.
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